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The sun bouncing off the windows downtown keeps getting more and more golden. It is sundown and the houses below-looking down Lake Street-are darkening fast. But the day doesn't want to give up. The light from the west leaps across the hollow beneath me and catches the windows of the buildings on the hills to the east. Now it's fading just like I knew it would a few moments ago. But it was good while it lasted.
Yesterday my daughter was interviewed on a T.V. program. She wasn't good she was terrific. She was poised and she talked as if she had done a zillion T.V. shows. She smiled at all the right times and didn't use her hands too much or fidget about. We-my wife Jen and I were lucky we got to see her. We were antiquing in San Anselmo when Mitzie called to say she was about to be on T.V. The owner of the antique store had no T.V. but said we could watch at the bar down the street. The bartender turned on the sound for us and turned to the station. We had to wade through twenty-five minutes before Mitzie appeared-to be interviewed about the song she had written that was now the number one video on You Tube. The bartender, a woman of about thirty, watched together with the proud parents. After the interview she said, "Cool!" Here is this super successful woman on TV. with her parents looking on. Where am I - still single at thirty? My parents upset because they want grandchildren? And her parents feeling so lucky to have given birth to their daughter.
The bar tab was a mere $4.54. It was Happy Hour. I gave her $7.00 and she said thanks with a smile but I felt I should have given her a ten. After all she had treated us to a writing for funized T.V. viewing. It bothered me on the drive back to San Francisco. "That was so unbelievable," I said to Jen. "Our little Mitzie. She was so poised." A couple of minutes later, starting the climb to the tunnel, I said the same thing. Then I said I should've left more than a two dollar tip.
Jen said, "When are you going to figure out why you feel guilty?" It was true. The habit does go way back. Yet I still felt that giving her a ten would've been the right thing to do. Maybe it had to do with my brother. I was due to meet him at his office in San Francisco at 4:30. I knew I would be late.
My brother, Alfie, is an accountant. It's the build-up season for taxes. You begin to see the H. & R. ads on T.V. now. He had no lunchtimes available to meet with me he said last week. Monday at 4:30 was the only time. Would he be insulted at my being late?
"I'm wondering if I should tell Alfie about Mitzie," I said to Jen headed down the Waldo Grade to the Golden Gate Bridge. She said, "To show that you care for her?"
"I don't want him to be envious."
"The natural thing is to tell him you're feeling good about her."
"He'll react. He'll feel diminished."
"You can't help that."
"I know."
A few minutes later I was sitting looking at Alfie across his desk Papers filled with numbers were stacked monument high taking up most of the desktop. I could see my brother through a crevasse.
"You look incredibly busy," I said.
"I barely have time to breathe," he said wheeling around to face his computer monitor. I have one hundred fifty two emails that I haven't even opened.
"There's an e-mail from me. It says I'll be a little late."
"I haven't gotten to it. I'm starting from the bottom and working my way up to the most recent. I keep telling myself this is the last year I'm going to put myself through this.
"Mitzie was interviewed on a national T.V. show this afternoon. Whe was so natural. She was really good."
"Welcome to the family!"
"What?" He smiled. "Joining up with me as the family television pro. You know I was interviewed on KQED just four weeks ago - about Adams' new tax handbook. Again a best seller..."
I interrupted. "This was a real big deal - national - program. I don't think you get it."
"That's great."
"We're proud of Mitzie."
He smiled magnanimously. "Yeah, it's great."
"I have to leave. Sorry I can't stay longer."
"Yeah, not the best time. Call me."
"I will."
As I walked down the stairs to his office I pictured Mitzie when she was twelve. Cute as could be. She had that sparkle in her eye - and a winning style - even then. What were the words to that Gershwin song? Yes... They can't take that away from me.